Do you fantasise that a stress-free life is the ultimate way to happiness?
Well, then you are wrong! Good stress [“eu-stress”] is essential to our happiness and wellbeing; it’s the “di-stress” that is harmful.
Good [healthy, developmental] stress in our physical body is seen, for instance, when we train our muscles to become stronger or more supple. Nobody wants a flabby body that has not learnt to balance, or walk, etc. We train muscles, joints, bones or sinews by adding weight or asking them to work harder or faster than what is comfortable in the present state. If we didn’t, we’d still be crawling at 40!
Similarly, we need to train our “mental muscles” or emotional endurance by experiencing discomfort, and not giving up too soon.We experience good stress [or happiness or Flow] when the Demands on us are in balance with our Resources to meet them says Mihaly Csikscentmihalyi [Flow – The Psychology of Happiness].
If our Resources are greater than the Demands on us [for instance, if you’re very intelligent but have an boring job], we will probably experience distress in the form of frustration, sadness, lack of fulfilment, etc – which over time creates Depression. And if the Demands on us are greater than our Resources to meet them, we’re likely to experience anxiety, fear, hopelessness, helplessness, burn-out, etc – which over time creates Depression.
We must either Decrease Demands on us [take on less, not get upset to easily etc] or Increase our Resources [phone a friend, learn a skill, sniff a flower, delegate, be less perfectionistic / controlling, etc]
Now for a Life-Altering Truth: In our Mind, it’s NOT reality that counts the most, but our INTERPRETATION of a situation.
“Two men sat behind prison bars; one saw Mud the other Stars” [Author unknown]
Research has shown that if we watch an action movie [like "Speed" – where there’s a bomb on a bus which will explode if the bus slows down], our heart rate, Galvanic skin responses, blood pressure, adrenaline levels, etc, are indistinguishable from those bodily reactions of someone who is actually in real danger of, for instance, losing their life on a bus that has a bomb on it!
Our IMAGE-ination, or the images, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, temperatures, pressures that we create in our mind are at least as powerful, and in most cases more powerful, than the “reality” outside!
Imagining the Smell and Taste of a lemon [or your favourite food] for about half a minute, can create masses of very large and complex saliva molecules in the mouth – even though there is nothing to digest. It’s even easier to create Feel-Good or Feel-Bad molecules in vast quantities by the images or thoughts we decide to create and hold in our minds!
We can CHOOSE to look up and see [or imagine the possibility of – on a misty night] Stars, or to imagine that our only option is to look down and see Mud… or Stuckness… or Helplessness…
I was recently told of a handy term created by Mindy Aldman: “what-if-upping”: She suggests that we stop creating more and more negative expectations [or “what if- downing”] by asking scary “What if…” questions, and rather replace them with “What if…” something fantastic comes of this? type of questions.
Remember, the images in our minds can be much more powerful than “objective” reality!
Some Stress Obliteration and Transformation TechniquesWe can instantly change how we feel through, for instance,
- changing our posture, facial expression, rate of breathing etc, to that of someone whom we imagine to be powerful, or happy, or resourceful;
- repetitively speaking beautiful words like Serenity, Tranquillity, Peace, Joy, Love, Power, etc; or, when we’ve told ourselves we’re “tired” or didn’t have “enough” sleep, words like Excitement, Passion, Energy, Power-full, Rested, Fantastic, Alert and Alive, etc;
- imagining a peaceful [or exciting, etc] Visual scene [like a cat resting in a sunny spot, or roller-blade-ing], or the Sound of waterfalls, or the Smell of Lavender or Pizza, or the Texture of a Cashmere garment, or the Taste of fresh spring water, etc.
Frederick Bailles [Hidden Power for Human Problems] suggests that if someone gives us a really ugly painting, we would likely choose NOT to hang it in our lounge and stare at it every day for hours… Yet, when we or someone else gives us an ugly, depressing, or anxiety-forming thought, we hang it in the front of our mind, stare at it, talk about it, ruminate on it. Why?
Fact is, di-stress is self-indulgent living. We need to focus on something greater than our negative feelings, act graciously, expect the best, celebrate life.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists [who believe, in short, that what we Think – cognitions - and how we Behave, is the only effective Therapy for healing of Bad Feelings] suggest we make a set series of Thinking Errors that cause any undue distress for us, and that if we Train ourselves diligently to avoid those thinking errors, and change what we decide to think, we will no longer experience much distress. [Put that ugly painting on the scrap heap!]
And the most common error [what Albert Ellis terms “must-urbation”!] is when we say must, should, ought to, mustn’t, shouldn’t, etc. “My wife mustn’t leave me for another man!” [She can.] “I must always be perfectly on time!” [Try being 1 min early just for fun!] “Taxi drivers shouldn’t swerve in front of my car!” [Does your distressing yourself about their driving create a change in them? Or does it just upset you and those around you?].
Ellis suggests that whenever we feel distress, we need to stop and identify the must-urbatory thought [or other errors], and replace it with something less black-and-white: If I say I prefer to get 85% for the exam, instead of I must get 85%, I have not dropped my standards by even a fraction of a percent! I’ve just taken the stress on my body and mind, releasing its energy so that I can achieve the desired results with much greater Ease!
A further quick technique: Ask yourself “How USEFUL is this?” whenever you decide to ride a distressing thought. If it’s not useful, then rather choose to think something that at least has a CHANCE to improve either the situation, or the distress you’ve invested in around it. Just like getting a fit and healthy body, getting a fit and happy mind is hard work, that needs to be done diligently, every day!
Example: Let’s say your manager says that 45% of the staff will be retrenched over the next 2 months. Which of the following responses is more useful? Which is more likely to give me positive energy, hope, creative impulses, etc?
A: You think repeatedly [a Belief is nothing more than a repeated thought]: “They shouldn’t do this to me/us! [must-urbation]; now my family will starve [catastrophising; over-generalising] and that will be the end of the world [talk about a What-if-Down!]”
B: You focus on: “Well this may be uncomfortable for a while [minimising] but I wonder what wonderful new career pathway may open up for me? [What-if-Up] I’m so grateful and excited that I still have two full months to investigate other options even if I don’t get retrenched in the end [positive re-framing]. This may be the change that leads me to a wonderful new career.
In the meanwhile, How Can I Behave that improves my chances of either not losing my job, or of getting a subsidiary income in the short term while looking at wonderful new options in the long term?
I wish you the wisdom and dedication to invest your energy in Good Stress, instead of Bad Stress!
NEWSLETTER: Sign up for free to receive the Selfgrow monthly newsletter on our home page at http://www.selfgrow.co.za/ . Facts, Info, techniques - all to help you grow and improve your mental health and practical life skills!
WORKSHOPS:For regular updates and detailed information, see http://www.selfgrow.co.za/ -> Workshops
Venue is Pinelands Library Hall, Howard Centre, Pinelands, in Cape Town, South Africa.
Our first workshop was Wednesday 11 March 2009: "10 STEPS TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS". This workshop introduced 10 focus areas and 10 simple techniques to overcome distress and move effectively towards happiness and success. These areas are explored and taught in more depth in later workshops.
Forthcoming workshops:
Wed 10 Jun 09 [Principles of Abundant Wealth Creation]: Evening
Sat 1 Aug 09 [Presentation Skills: Voice-production; Body language; Honing your message; Using audio-visuals, etc]: Full day
WORKSHOPS WILL ALSO BE PRESENTED AS TELSEMINARS AND WEBINARS FROM AUG 09 - watch for updates on http://www.selfgrow.co.za/ .
